Laws of Children, Annotated

Because I do too much legal research, I've begun to think of the way things work here in our house as legal rules. Kind of like the Bro Code from my favorite show, How I Met Your Mother. And now, I inflict them on you.

52. Clothing, likelihood of ruination. The percent chance that a child will wear a piece of clothing without peeing on it, painting on it, coloring on it with markers, cutting it, spilling soy sauce or other staining liquids on it, catching it on fire, or otherwise defacing it is inversely proportional to the price paid for the piece of clothing.

Notes:
1. This percentage increases over time, i.e. the first time a pair of pants that you paid $22 for (a large amount in my cheapskate world) is worn, the chance that something will happen to the pants is around 75%. This chance decreases with each wear.

53. Multiple children, demands of. When Child A wants Thing 1, Child B invariably wants Thing 2. To satisfy the LoC 53, Thing 1 and Thing 2 must both
(a) be located as geographically far apart as possible within the confines of the house, and
(b) need to be completed within five (5) nanoseconds of the demand.

54. Multiple children, failure to meet demands of. Failure to comply with LoC 53, supra, results in Child A and Child B screaming.

Notes:
1. Note that the failure to meet the demands of Child A, but meeting the demands of Child B, still results in Child A screaming and vice versa. This is likely due to crying being contagious.
2. Remedies for failure to meet the demands of multiple children include: chocolate all around, trips in the car for Frosties, stickers, and other frivolous acts of kindness.

55. Instructions to children, number of repetitions required. In order for a child to hear what the speaker has said, the speaker need only speak once. However, in order for a child to comply with said instruction, the speaker must repeat the instruction no fewer than six (6) times.