Tuesday, April 8, 2008

if a private investigator trailed me...

One of my friends did a post on his blog where he discussed what a private investigator would find if his wife hired one to trail him - and how ridiculous that notion was. It made me laugh. And he asked what a PI might find if they trailed people reading his blog. And that made me laugh more. So I thought about it as I "slept" last night. I yearn for the day where I don't need quotes around forms of the word "sleep." So this is a typical day. Note that this particular PI sometimes has mind reading abilities. Also note the severe lack of things like laundry, vacuuming, etc.

7:30am: Target stirs. Is immediately pounced upon by rabid 3 year old.

7:35am: Target extricates herself from bed and avoids falling down the stairs while being tugged on by said 3 yr old.

7:40am: Target has coffee. Baby crawls around family room, seems attracted to electrical cords. 3 yr old sits on Target. Squirms. Target tells 3 yr old to stop. 3 yr old does not stop.

8:15am: Target has discussion w/ 3 yr old. Tells her to sit on potty and get ready for school. 3 yr old does not. 3 yr old demands Daddy. Target says fine and goes to find breakfast leaving 3 yr old on potty to wait until Daddy comes downstairs.

8:30am: by some miracle, 3 yr old dressed and leaves for preschool after near timeout over hairbrushing. Target says prayer for preschool teachers who have roomful of rabid 3 yr olds.

9:00am: Target puts baby in bed. Does little dance.

9:10am: Target looks for food in fridge. Finds nothing appealing. Decides to eat 3 yr old's bagel bites. Reasons term bagel makes it breakfast food even though it is really pizza.

9:15: refills bird feeders. Wonders if hummingbirds won't return this year for some reason. Considers adding more sugar to mix, then decides she is nuts to spend more time considering food for birds than for herself.

10am: baby awakens. Target feeds then plays with baby. Baby not rabid like 3 yr old.

11:15: Target packs baby into car. And dog. and diaper bag. and 3 jackets. Pulls out of driveway, running over tricycle left behind minivan. Appears to yell. Stops van. Goes back inside. Comes back with snack and juicebox muttering about how much trouble she gets in with 3 yr old if these items are forgotten.

11:25: Target finally exits driveway.

11:45: Target picks up 3yr old from school. Explains to 3 yr old that they will not be meeting anyone for lunch. Small tantrum ensues.

12:00: Target drives through healthy eating establishment. Allows 3 yr old to order for herself. "I'll have one hamburger with tomato, pickle, ketchup, and steak. no mustard. NO MUSTARD!"

12:15: Target arrives home again and feeds all hungry mouths.

12:30: Target and 3 yr old play tag around kitchen island.

1:15: Target looks relieved as she notices it is nap and quiet time. Puts children in their respective spots, finds herself a snack of pita chips and spinach dip and sits on sofa to unwind.

1:35: Ursula appears on Little Mermaid, 3 yr old hollers, Target hollers back that 3 yr old knows how to fastforward dvds. 3 yr old indignantly says she is not allowed to fastforward movies. Target gets up and fastforwards through the Ursula part. Target returns to sofa.

1:45: 3 yr old has to pee.

1:50: Dog has to go out.

2:00: another Ursula part. Target looks relieved knowing that this is the last Ursula part she will have to fast forward through. Wonders why we don't watch 101 Dalmations every day. Feels slight sense of accomplishment because she can let dog in while already up thereby reducing the number of times she has to get up. Target attempts to do something profitable such as write a memo for attorney she is working for.

3:00 baby awake, quiet time over. Target subjected to more games of tag and pretending to be a school child. Target apparently not allowed to type on computer. Target tries to funnel 3 yr old's energy into something positive, like an arts project or picking up toys. Fails. Target begins to clean the house, seemingly only to avoid 3 yr old's antics.

4:00: Target looks at clock and smiles. Daddy will be home within 30 minutes. And then you can all go out to play, or at least to the basement.

4:30: Daddy arrives home. Target appears to have tears of joy. Target scoops up baby and hands her to daddy with suggestion that all go down to the basement.

4:40: Target rests.

4:45: Target looks in fridge to see what leftovers are for dinner. Finds nothing. Target resorts to internet. Goes to epicurious.com and types in: chicken, rice. Epicurious actually returns with web page containing 30 point font red letters: "YOU HAVE THIS EVERY NIGHT - FIND SOMETHING NEW." Target agrees. Types in "chicken, noodles."

5:00: Target, failed by epicurious.com, finds 7 yr old package of yellow rice mix. Figures rice mix doesn't go bad. Is excited by idea of chicken and yellow rice, epicurious be damned.

5:40: Troops return upstairs. Loud. Target asks 3 yr old what she wants for dinner. Is perplexed by answer ("dinosaurs") so chooses to ignore it and ask again in 5 minutes. Baby screams. Target's husband prepares food for baby and feeds her.

5:50: Dinner on table. 3 yr old has agreed to eat chicken and yellow rice. Target pleased by correct assumption that yellow rice mix doesn't go bad.

6:30: 3 yr old and her father go upstairs for bath time and bed time. Baby gets to eat.

7:00: baby in bed, Target does small dance of joy.

7:15: Target enters 3 yr old's room to read stories and cuddle. Target argues that she will not read Curious George one more time. Ever. Considers burning Curious George. Agrees to read Little Critters, again.

7:30: Target tells 3 yr old no more stories, time for bed. 3 yr old argues, but finally agrees. 3 yr old says good night and Target exits room. Target does another dance, bigger this time. Resembles Ren or Stimpy or Balke.

8:00 Target sits and watches mindless TV while knitting. Also writes copious, often stupid humor blog posts. And IMs. And plays scrabulous.

9:30: Target heads to bed, only to be awakened several times by screaming non-rabid baby.

Thrilling life, but I love it.

4 comments:

Mary C said...

Love it! That was really funny. Came over from my Hubby's blog (mbi).
I'll be back!

akhoosier said...

ok erica, I might have to copy this idea and post about my day sometime soon. Except I spend most days with a 3 year old who talks about body parts A LOT! :)and of course, I play scrabulous with you as well! :)

MyBestInvest said...

Way to take the ball and run with it! Sounds like a day around our house.

whatsthedeal said...

Seriously, that cracked me up. And made me feel really tired, all at the same time... :)